Just as you begin to feel the effects of the cannabis you’ve ingested, many habitual defense patterns can get activated that are important to note and deal with. For instance, if you’ve mostly used marijuana alone, or if this is your first time trying the herb, cannabis might tend to shift you into a mostly inward journey. This is fine--unless you’re with someone who wants to relate with you. And indeed, as we’ll see in coming chapters, sometimes even during a duo high, it’s quite appropriate to retreat into your inner realms of individual experience.
But usually if you’ve agreed to get high together, you’ll want to maintain your intent to be outward focused, socially available, and intimately connected.
Our assumption in this book is that you do want to share your high experience. There are lots of ways to achieve this intimacy intent--but that might defeat the whole idea of being spontaneous together. Instead, you can use your partner’s physical and emotional presence as the impetus to “stay here” rather than drift off.
By purposefully focusing on your friend as your inspirational muse, you can keep your attention directed outward quite effortlessly. But you do need to get clear inside your own mind and feelings that you are freely choosing to remain present and responsive. And this means that, even before you get high, and certainly right after, you will want to tune into your own heart feelings and look to see honestly how receptive you are to your friend.
We talked earlier about how getting high with your partner is risky. It is! Marijuana can make you seriously transparent. It can also make you bluntly honest. You’re liable to find out how you really feel toward this person, beyond social and intimate obligations. So sure, there will be a tendency to just duck out of the encounter and go relatively unconscious to avoid looking clearly at your relationship.
But I’ve found that in most cases, marijuana does just the opposite of breaking up relationships. By helping you to temporarily let go of being phony and defensive, cannabis can open your hearts and souls to a new level of closeness and mutual appreciation.
I remember a client telling me, “the second time we got high together, we had been arguing about something, I don’t even remember what. I just remember feeling tight and contracted, but we had our plan of smoking weed together, and I went along with it. Len was feeling about the same. So we puffed and sat there not saying anything, still a bit angry at each other. And a few minutes later we were just kind of staring at each other, impatient for the effects to start--and then . . . well, we just stared a long time hotly at each other. And then guess what? We both burst out laughing at the same time. And once we were done laughing we talked and talked about how we’d been fighting just like our parents had fought, and how stupid it was to still be acting like them.”
What’s important is not ducking out and avoiding whatever might arise between you as you get high. The thinking mind can always come up with something to argue about, or be judgmental about regarding your partner. If you get high and find your thoughts drifting negative and pulling you down, you do have the freedom and power to shift away from all those thoughts altogether.
The trick is to remember to let awareness of your breathing drop your attention down into your chest and your heart and, who knows, even further down.
As soon as you find yourself high and drifting into negative thoughts, cannabis is there to help you. As soon as you let go of an upsetting fixation and relax into the high, you’ll find that the muse of marijuana is ready and eager to carry you along on its magic carpet into uplifting feelings, lighter ideas, and enjoyable pastimes. And when you include your partner in your experience, in your personal bubble of awareness, you will naturally flow into shared moments.
Your partner in smoke is of course also having a parallel experience, and when you look and listen and touch, you bring your separate experiences into congruency. Be sure not to think that you have to “do” anything at all, in order to engage. That’s the thing about getting high together--you’re not agreeing to do anything at all except just that: spend time together while high. Let go of all your usual busyness habits. Let go of feeling responsible for the outcome. Put aside all ideas of what you should do, or what you want to accomplish. Getting high is off time. It’s free time to share space and love and attention with your friend--it’s not at all goal-oriented.
To just be with your lover or friend, without feeling you need to do anything at all. That’s your only goal. Nothing is required of you, except maybe offering your loving attention. You’re finally free to just let go and be the natural you . . . and then see what happens!
I know this runs opposite to all your social training and conditioning, your relationship habits and unspoken assumptions. Cannabis can be such a great therapeutic tool because when you risk all and just be you, you can actually discover that you’re a loving person, you have the capacity to ease up and laugh about life, to drop down and look to the heart of things, to open up and let your love flow!
You also have the capacity to drop your inhibitions and share your most delicate feelings and intimate space with your loved one--and the marijuana muse will be there to guide your flow of mutual exploration into new realms.